There's Something About Harry
by r4ven3
Summary: Just a nonsense story which seemed like a good idea when the idea came to me. Gently humourous, and featuring the team from early S.10, so Erin and Tariq also feature.


"Go on, ask her. I dare you."

Dimitri turned to watch Erin as she bounced her way into the cramped kitchen. She briefly looked at both men. "Ask me what?" she said, flicking back her hair as she took a mug from the shelf and popped in a tea bag. When neither man had spoken, she turned to look at them both. "Ask me what?"

"What I have been asked to asked you," Dimitri began, "is whether you like the lights on or off."

"Do you mean during sex?"

"Er, yes."

"It depends."

"On what?" Calum chipped in, deliberately avoiding Erin's eyes.

"On whether he is someone important to me, or just a casual shag." Both men looked at one another. Calum rolled his eyes. Erin had provided an unexpected honest answer. "How about you, Cal?" Erin continued. "Are you an off or an on man?"

"What do you think? On, of course. I need to see my partner and she me."

"Even if you can't remember her name?"

"That's a bit .. cruel."

"Maybe," Erin said with a smile – more smirk than smile – as she left the kitchen carrying her mug of tea.

"That went well," Dimitri observed. "Who are you planning to embarrass next?"

"Don't you see?" Calum replied, more animated now. "She _enjoyed_ talking about it. Everyone does."

"Everyone? So far just you and Erin seem happy to over-share."

"What about you?" Calum asked, before he took a sip of his coffee.

"I don't care. Light on or off, I'm just happy to be getting any."

Calum placed his cup on the tiny table at one end of the room. "You mean … you and Erin … you're not ..?"

"No. We're not, and probably never will. Besides, she has a kid."

"I'm sure Rosie sleeps some time."

"It's not that." Dimitri had lowered his voice to a hoarse whisper. "It's – you know – what if Erin's looking for a husband? I'm not exactly husband material."

"I can safely say that she is not looking for a husband."

"Who's not looking for a husband?" Neither man had heard Ruth approaching the kitchen. She stood just inside the doorway, a question in her eyes, and a smile turning her lips. "The question needs to be asked .. are either of you looking for a wife?"

" _No!_ " Dimitri and Calum spoke the word together.

"I'm not interested for myself, if that's what worries you. I'm … taken."

"You _are_?" Again, the two men spoke the words in unison.

"Yes," Ruth replied, "I am rather happily .. partnered."

"So ..." Calum began, checking quickly that Dimitri was on his side, "do you prefer lights on or lights off?"

"You're talking about sex, aren't you?"

"Of course."

Ruth looked from one man to the other and then back to Calum. "Why does it have to be one or the other? What about neither?"

"Neither?" This time only Dimitri spoke.

"Yes. You see, I prefer to have just a glimmer of light from the hallway, with the lights out in the bedroom."

"And do we know this … man of whom you speak?" Dimitri smiled slightly, looking at Ruth through squinty eyes.

"I can't remember mentioning any man."

"Shit! You're not into women .. are you?" Dimitri said in a scandalised tone.

Ruth stifled her laugh. "No. I'm not."

"Not that there's anything wrong with that," Dimitri added.

"No, of course not, but my partner is most definitely male."

"So he's a stud." As if eliciting a recent memory, Ruth smiled to herself, saying nothing.

"Does he have a name?" This time it was Calum trying his best to drag the moment back under his control.

"Yes, but I usually call him `darling'."

"You're not about to tell us, are you?"

Ruth had been making a cup of tea for herself, and a cup of coffee for Harry. She turned away from them, a cup in each hand, and threw the words, "No, I'm not," at them as she left the kitchen.

The two men looked at each other. "Did you know?" Calum asked.

"No. I thought she was sweet on Harry," Dimitri replied.

There was a brief silence during which their combined cerebral matter ground through the information at hand. " _Harry?_ " they said in unison.

"What about Harry?" said a voice from the doorway. Fortunately for both Calum and Dimitri it was not Harry's voice, but the voice belonging to the youngest member of the senior Grid team.

" _Nothing_ ," Calum and Dimitri said as one. After all, Tariq may be a brilliant technician, but he was not the most discreet of men.

Tariq stepped into the room, and then to the counter beside the sink. He reached up to take down the mug on which was printed: _I Geek, therefore I Am_. Tariq's mug was never used – either accidentally or on purpose - by anyone other than him. While he poured coffee into his mug he spoke quietly. "Given your response to my question, you must know something about Harry that I don't know."

"Why? What do you know about Harry?" Calum gave Dimitri a stern look. Under the circumstances, asking a question in response to a question was not the best of strategies.  
Tariq was about to add milk to his coffee, when he stopped, milk carton held aloft. "He's our section head, so he's our boss, and so is also Erin's boss -"

"And Ruth's." Dimitri again. Calum wished he'd shut up and let a master of bluster deal with the situation.

"Well, Ruth is one of us, so that goes without saying. He's also divorced, and he hasn't a girlfriend or anything, but I suppose that's because he's a bit old for that sort of thing."

"See?" said Dimitri, turning to Calum. "My thoughts exactly. If a man can't raise the spinnaker, then how is it possible for him to sail into the harbour?"

"What's sailing got to do with Harry?" Tariq asked, his eyebrows drawn together.

"I think what Dimitri means is that Harry might be too old .. for sex."

Tariq had just taken a sip of his coffee, and on hearing the phrase, `too old for sex' he spluttered and then spat out some of his coffee. "Sorry," he said, wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his jumper. He tore off a few sheets of kitchen roll and then busied himself wiping splattered coffee from the bench, sink, the floor, and then his sleeve. "When I said he was too old for a girlfriend, I didn't mean he was too old for sex. My grandfather is seventy-four and he has regular sex."

"Who told you that?"

"My Nani. She said that -"

"Your _grandmother_ talked to you about her sex life with your _grandfather_?" said Dimitri, clearly scandalised.

"Sure. They're very .. open. My whole family is."

"Back to Harry," Calum said quickly, not wanting to hear more stories from the clearly debauched Masood household. "What makes you say he hasn't a girlfriend?"

"Because whenever we have a celebration at The George, or parties at Christmas time, he always arrives on his own."

"And sits next to Ruth," Dimitri added.

"Yeah, but they're just good friends .." and seeing the smirks on the faces of his colleagues, Tariq added, "aren't they?"

"Yeah, well, it's often a fine line between good friends and lovers," Dimitri replied. "So ..." he added, his voice again taking on the tone he used when interrogating terror suspects, "Tariq .. are you a lights on or lights off man?"

"I always like the light on. After all, how will I know if I've put the condom on correctly?"

This time it was Dimitri who spat coffee over his shoes.

* * *

Ruth had taken Harry's coffee to him. He invited her to sit on the chair opposite his while they each sipped their drinks.

"So .. what are those two up to?" Harry said. "I saw them enter the kitchen, and to my knowledge they are still there. They've been in there long enough to rustle up a batch of scones."

"If only," Ruth said before she sipped her tea. "They're conducting a survey." When Harry lifted his eyebrows she continued. "They're asking everyone do we prefer lights on or off during sex."

"The very best the British security service has to offer," he said, his voice heavily laced with sarcasm.

"If they asked you," Ruth said, not looking at him, "what would be your answer?"

"Bugger the lights," Harry replied, "I just need to know it's you in my bed with me." Ruth smirked, pleased with his response. Or maybe he was trying to keep her sweet. Either way she was happy. "Did they ask you?" She nodded. "What did you say?"

"I told them that I like the light to be on in the hallway, but not the bedroom. I like an atmospheric glow when I make love. Harry .. don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you want to drag me into the nearest dark corner and have your wicked way with me."

"Not are you the most wonderful lover, Ruth, but you can also read my mind."

"You know I don't like it in the dark." The smouldering look he gave her almost had her squirming in her chair.

Harry suddenly sat up straight in his chair, and carefully placed his mug on his desk. "I have an idea," he said, getting to his feet. "Stay here. I don't allow myself nearly enough time to have fun with my staff."

As he left the office Ruth suspected he was about to have fun at his staff's expense. Oh to be a fly on the wall. She then made a mental note to put a listening device in the kitchen.

* * *

"Did you know he wasn't a virgin?" Calum asked Dimitri once Tariq had left the kitchen.

"I hope you're not talking about me, because I am definitely not a virgin."

Oh, God. It had to happen. Harry had approached with all the stealth of the spy he was, and he was standing just inside the doorway, one eyebrow raised.

"We weren't .. talking about you, Harry," Dimitri said. "It was Tariq. He's not a virgin."

"I should hope not. He's twenty-five."

To the horror of Dimitri and Calum, Harry stepped into the small kitchen and leaned against the counter before folding his arms. _Oh shit,_ thought Dimitri. _He looks like he's here for one of his little chats._ "You have two children, so we know you've done it at least twice," he said, and then he uttered an `oof' as Calum elbowed him in the ribs.

"Yes," Harry replied, his face displaying his shark smile – all teeth and no empathy. "That's what children generally think .. that their parents only ever had sex in order to procreate."

 _Oh, no – stop him now! If this is a talk about sex, I will have to vomit, or faint_. Dimitri took a small step back, but came up against the tiny table.

"We've been conducting a survey," Calum began, realising that Harry was not about to leave, at least not until he'd had his fun.

"I like it when my staff display initiative, Calum. Tell me about this survey."

"Well ..." Calum looked to Dimitri for support, but the younger man was staring at the floor. "We've been asking those who come in here for .. refreshments .. about their preferred .. ambient lighting while .. er .."

"Making love," Harry finished for him.

"Yeah, although for most of us blokes it's just … well, it's just a shag, isn't it?"

"I wouldn't know, Mr Reid. My partner and I only ever make love. Shagging is for the very young."

Calum dared a glance at Dimitri. Both wanted to sink through the floor. "We, er .." Calum continued – bravely, thought Dimitri; foolishly, thought Harry, "we've asked everyone who comes in here whether they like the lights on or off during sex."

There was a rather long silence during which Calum and Dimitri tried to look anywhere but at Harry, while Harry smiled at them both. "I'm relieved that taxpayers' money is being so wisely spent on you two. Perhaps you both need some kind of financial bonus -"

"That'd be cool," said Calum.

"- but on the other hand, a few extra hours spent writing reports might be a more apt incentive." Harry looked around the room, clearly stalling. "As to your question about lighting. When I am .. engaged in that way with the woman I love, my preference would be for spotlights, cameras, and an appreciative audience, but my partner is shy, so it's only very muted atmospheric illumination for us. The only lighting allowed by her is from the light in the hall outside the bedroom." Harry stood straight and headed for the door before he turned to again face Calum and Dimitri, both of whom stood with their mouths open. "And if I hear that you are still conducting this survey beyond this moment, you'll both be desk bound, writing reports for the remainder of your lives." And with that, Harry left the kitchen.

After he left, Calum and Dimitri closed their mouths and looked at each other.

"So it's true," they said together.

"Bloody hell," added Dimitri.

"Harry and Ruth are ..." replied Calum.

"That's a mental image which will never leave me."

* * *

Ruth looked up as Harry entered his office. "And?" she asked.

He waited until he was again seated at his desk before he spoke. "I doubt they'll be asking you any more leading questions about your .. private life. On the other hand, that will be partly because they now suspect that you spend your intimate moments with me." He looked up at her, a little embarrassed. "I hadn't meant to spill the beans, but my pride spoke on my behalf. I'm sure they believed me to be past it."

"If only they knew. Maybe we should send them pictures."

Harry looked up at her with a smile which only widened as his mind embraced the many possibilities. "Do we have any?"

"No, but .. you're serious, aren't you?"

He placed his forearms on his desk and steepled his fingers in front of him. He appeared deep in thought. "I'm sure we could create some .. tasteful images, Ruth."

"Not with me in them." When Harry smiled, her tone changed. "You _were_ kidding … weren't you?"

Harry's reply was never uttered. A quick knock on the door was followed by the door sliding back to reveal Tariq standing there, his eyebrows lifted. "Come in, Tariq," Harry said, and the young man entered the office, closing the door behind him.

"I just thought I should say," Tariq began, "that despite what others are saying behind your back, I know that you, Harry and Ruth, are nothing more to one another than very good friends." He then stood straight, like a soldier waiting to be dismissed by his Commanding Officer.

"Thank you for that, Tariq," Ruth said. "You are most kind."

Tariq nodded and looked at Harry, who for once in his fifty-seven years on Planet Earth was struck speechless. "I'll go then," Tariq said, and then as quickly and quietly as he had arrived, he left the office.

"Did I miss something?" Harry asked, while Ruth's replying smile was smug.

"I think what Tariq means is that he loves us like family."

"And we shouldn't put him right .. should we?"

"No, Harry. I think were he to know the truth about us, he'd be -"

"Scarred for life." Harry's attention was drawn to movement on the Grid. "Oh, look. The quiz kings are heading back to work. Maybe I should -"

"Maybe you should leave them be."

"You're no fun at all, Ruth."

"That's not what you told me last night."

* * *

Dimitri curled his long frame into the chair at his desk, while Calum collapsed into the chair at the adjoining desk. Neither had had time to review what had just happened in the kitchen, when Erin loomed into view, hair bouncing, heels clicking, jaw jutting.

"Have you written your reports?" she asked in her usual fashion – no gentle introduction, no how-are-you-after-your-lengthy-kitchen-break.

"Reports?" Calum looked up at her, his forehead furrowed.

"Yes. Reports. Harry has requested you each write a thorough report on your findings."

"Findings?"

Erin looked around her, and then back to Dimitri. "Is there an echo in here?"

"Findings .. findings about what?"

"Your survey. Harry just rang asking me to instruct you both to write a report on your findings from the survey."

"But -"

"Don't argue with me, Di. I am your senior officer. Harry wants those reports within the hour."

"But -"

"Cal! You know what a report is, don't you?"

"I .. think so."

"Then get cracking. Time is money."

As Erin turned to leave, Calum turned to Dimitri and mouthed the words: _What the fuck?_ It was the very rarely heard sound of Erin's laugh which drew their attention away from each other.

"So, Erin," Dimitri called out, causing their Section Head to turn around, "if I check with Harry, he'll know all about this .. report-writing thing, right?"

Erin slowly began to walk back towards the two agents. "You're quick on the uptake, Di. Perhaps you should look into becoming a spy."

"Very bloody funny," he said, feeling a fit of the sulks coming on. "There's no report, is there?"

Erin smiled and turned, her hair bouncing on her shoulders as she walked away, her features softened by a rare smile. Dimitri lifted his eyes to Harry's office, where the man in question had his head bent over some report or other.

"Makes you wonder who the real terrorists are, doesn't it?" he heard Calum say quietly.

 _Fin_


End file.
